wife doesn't work but complains about money

playing the part of a Happy Helpful Smiley Person [as part of your job] is what the term emotional labor, which people often misuse to mean anything where their family or friends are expressing emotions to them or they have emotions about another persons behavior, ACTUALLY means. Far less stress. If there are options she can take, this might help, butif she really hates her job and there are virtually no employment opportunities in the area and she has spent the last two year applying for other jobs but nothing is coming up, what are you going to do? might going to just rub in how limited her options are. My husband and I do the complaining while walking the dogs. My job is staying at home." I understand a mother's obligations as a stay at home mom and respect the energy and effort that it deserves. Could it just be "I'm right/she's wrong" mentality that comes up in humans? Asuccessful marriage will most likely be built on signs of love and communication, and not disrespectful communication. I moved out and went to college, but my sister was around for all of it. And venting every night is too much. Ive done it myself with my former mentor! If the timer goes off (sometimes they finish before that! You dont have to complain about everything (or anything, really). Close relative refuses to acknowledge being deeply in debt. So a friend of mine married a good guy. But if shes not receptive to your feedback and is unwilling to try and modify her behavior to help improve your mental health, maybe your household isnt very happy after all. When they complain, just nod your head and seem disinterested. You and your family need to survive, eat, pay bills, and have an emergency fund if something happens to anyone of you. It seems to me that OP has not been clear enough with his wife that this is no longer sustainable and some kind of change needs to be made. Its really tiring to hear constant daily complaints from people, no matter how much you love them. And NEVER AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!! So now whenever I start complaining about work to her, she just flat out says to me, Stop talking about work or if its that bad, go to HR, not me. So now I instinctively stop myself from complaining about work when with her or my parents, and only share the good stuff. What does "we each get an hour of my time per paycheck" mean? thank you for this ideal, Im totally stealing it and will send you mental thank yous every time I use it. Where else would I go? Go on dates with each other. But shed benefit by taking control of it instead of letting it control her. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you - especially you. That was food for thought mostly. I had this issue with my boyfriend (whom I live with) last year. They work diligently to present their relationship as one that doesnt have any troubles to avoid criticism and attention. Ive been in my new role for several years now, and though every job has its annoyances, its nothing like before! Can I trust my bikes frame after I was hit by a car if there's no visible cracking? Ive pretty much learned to ask, show interest, and yet tune out except for making encouraging noises and weighing in where I think I can provide moral support or ideas. What's some Biblical advice to give to a wife who complains about that The best answers are voted up and rise to the top, Not the answer you're looking for? I think this is part of my moms problem. We go on a walk after work. It helped us both for me to unpack what I needed from the complaining. Still, Smith said, My go-to advice to the couple is to start this discussion. Parents are counseled that little kids try to be so good all day and then when they get home they fall apart on their parents because they feel safe. That doesnt mean you need to listen to it if you dont want to. Im glad his kindly-worded observation helped you see what you needed to do. But still kept that job and complained about it to anyone who would listen. Need to vent more today? It can be even less structured than that. Nonetheless, it's important to discuss with her how much you can afford for both of you every month, not just her, and it certainly isn't giving her everything she wants. Theres a reason it is an actual job, its work to hear peoples struggles. Does the grammatical context of 1 Chronicles 29:10 allow for it to be declaring that God is our Father? We are grateful that the area we moved to was one we were very familiar with due to my husbands parents growing up there and they were currently living there. It could also be medical and something else. Encourage her to journal. I dont know, Im not a doctor. We would like to show you a description here but the site won't allow us. Id feel like Im still on the job. And yes, I call him out on it, which makes him mad and usually causes him to leaveonly to return later with more complaints. To note, one of the things I appreciate about working from home is my ability to vent to my husband. I have a very well (perhaps over) developed sense of snark, and while Im complaining, Im also laughing, kwim? It sounds to me like its time for you to seriously consider a new job. And him saying this (in his kind and supportive way) was the nudge I needed to seriously look at new opportunities. Years ago I came across the concept of Rose, Bud, Thorn, a thinking exercise where you sum up the day by picking out the rose (the highlight of the day, like positive feedback or something), the thorn (the worst thing that happened, like John was being a smarmy jackass in the Widgets meeting again), and the bud (something youre excited about). I do not exist to be the recipient of anyones rant recipient, spouse or no. by Alison Green on February 24, 2022 It's the Thursday "ask the readers" question. Good luck! Ive had to make a VERY conscious effort to pick and choose what I share and how it effects him. We lived only three miles from my work, so it put a limit on it! 2. One wants to end up with more resources at the end of the endeavor, not the same amount, and certainly not less. I felt like I was awash in gloom, and since none of them whined *too* too much individually to me, it was hard to justify asking any one of them to dial back. Is it something you decide together or something you handle by yourself? Maybe have a talk when shes NOT griping, and set some mutually agreeable rules for where and when you can BOTH blow off steam. 2. And that kind of unfixable situation occurs a lot more frequently than our society likes to admit, which makes me kind of sympathetic to complainers in general. Even though you may start to feel a lot of hurt, anger, and resentment towards your partner, ultimately you stay in the relationship because you are getting something out of it. As the years rolled by my friend reach a point where her response to the stories were , Yeah, SO WHAT, WHO CARES! See even when the spouse was at home, his mind was at work, so its almost the same as he wasnt home. When your partner refuses to work or contribute financially to the household, therefore putting all of the financial responsibilities on you, that is considered to be mistreatment and manipulation which are also considered as financial abuse. It is helpful to be able to get any feelings out of the way shortly after the end of the work day so they can be put aside and we can focus on other things. If it was a really bad day, Ill bring him a beer or a glass of whiskey to help. Nothing changed. I understand that a daily inundation of one-sided dumping of grievances is definitely a lot. Say that! For more information on how we can work together to improve financial boundaries in your relationship, please contact me here. Third, similar to the first two. Im late to this party, but I have been on both sides of this thing-Ive been both the complainer and the complained-to. When we are around her, he becomes just as negative. He wasnt ready to move on but needed the daily complaint rant. I had the same thought. Venting is productive to a point, but past that it can actually have negative effects on mental health, undoing the positive that it can do in short bursts. Its a know your audience thing, I guess. Someone said that to me once when I was complaining. Thankfully, they were all fine, butthere was very little I could do other than wait for the test and if they were badwell, that was out of my control too. If she doesnt feel like she can speak up at work, then again, it might be time for her to start looking for a new workplace. Putting a time limit will also hopefully help her to focus on her biggest gripe, not just a stream of complaining about any and every thing that went wrong. A caveat to your first suggestionwhile depression or some other medical reason could be the cause of the venting if this is new-ish, it seems to me that if her job is that bad, she needs a new job, not a doctor. Outline a couple rules: You each get a turn to fully explain yourself, then the other may ask questions to understand your side as needed. Reader, I did.). OP, I think there are some great ideas here. Theres participation in a marriage then there is QUALITY/meaningful participation in a marriage. Setting a time allowed me to prepare and get into a sympathetic frame of mind. The emotional laborer in the relationship was probably too damn tired to add it to their to-do list. I was in a public-facing job and would get the same mind-numbing scenarios and complaints from customers all day, every day and then would come home and rant to my husband the same exact rant, basically every single day. So, perhaps part of the solution is filling in that what else bucket for both of you. ), Dont assume that your partner should just get it. Tell them its bothering you, Smith said. Mom was receptive. well now Im starting to feel how you feel when I keep hearing about the work frustrations and I cant keep it in any longer. Its more assurance that she has no other obligations/nobody has other expectations of her during that time so she can use her full headspace on whatever she wants. And hes accepted that fundamentally, since I dont do a lot of complaining/venting myself, theres not very much that Im going to get out of it even if we switched whos complaining back and forth. You: Wow, that sounds stressful. Done like this, its sort of like them handing you pieces of outerwear as they come in from the cold: you catch them and bundle them up and set them neatly on a side table, and then both go on with your evening. I wonder if it would be helpful to her to journal (it might be too slow, so maybe not) or vent to a nanny cam or something else where she needs to just get it out of her body, but you arent the recipient. 3. Its exhausting and what is really sad is his family just doesnt listen to him. Home is pretty far from a work-free zone for many people and couples these days, though. Give her some "gift card" money. This may be a red flag in itself. My wife and I have been married 4 years (United States). Re: commuting being a time to decompress I was thinking of the interview that Alison did with the EAP person, where she said that walking around the block for 10 minutes before and after work helped her to create mental separation and decompress from her stressful job while working at home. I think OPs within their rights to not want to hear it that often, but in that case they have to say so. I would console her and counsel here, and tell her not to take her job so personally and she would agree and then never do anything about it and the next day she would be crying down the phone to me again. If its venting, then putting a limit on it is likely healthier in the long run because the complainer doesnt get caught up in a feedback loop of negativity. At all. If shes venting, then that is going to be *infuriating*. No amount of venting could dispel how he was feeling. Once I stopped feeling like I had to change the way my partner felt about something the easier it got for me to listen to her complain about something. When I used to go out to Happy hour with my colleagues in the before times we used to set a timer for 30 minutes. Spoiler alert, its you. Part of that could be talking with her about what she wants. Just try to do what seems fairest to both of you.). Not respecting your boundaries IS a choice that isnt okay, but you first have to discern and communicate those boundaries! Nor that you should become a complainer. Lastly, I think it may be a good idea for your wife to see a therapist to try and work on altering that negative mindset. We used to have a Customer of the Day policy. Rather, you can say that it is affecting you in ways that the two of you are not accounting for and that you need her to understand the impact on you. Your wife might not know its taking such a big toll on you (and its reasonable that it does! Key points. It did take me a while to find a new position, but thats because I wanted to make sure I found the right fit. If she is just doing it out of habit, recognizing that can prompt her to change the habit. One option straight from the Captain Awkward Playbook is to try to shift the conversation into actions. So I turned to that for my outlet.
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